Question: What is the relationship between the communication that happens between individuals and the communication that happens between organizations?
Answer: Communication that happens between individuals is something you can personally take responsibility for. You can change how you communicate with others and how you respond to others. None of us can really change anyone but ourselves, so work on improving your communication skills first.
Communication that happens between organizations relies much more heavily on the culture that has been created by the decision-makers and leaders. It is very important in organizations that modeling good communication happens at the top. Organizations must know what their mission is, and how to communicate that clearly in everything they do.
Listening and speaking are the two primary elements that make up communication. What are some common mistakes that people make as it relates to these two elements?
You will experience a huge difference right away in your relationships if you simply listen more and speak less. And, by the way, that’s easier said than done. We have to practice listening and work at it to improve.
Another common mistake is that we don’t take time to pause before we speak. Think about what you need to say and how you need to say it. Pay attention to your total message — body language, tone of voice, eye contact — and not just your words.
What can we do to improve our listening skills?
Good or “active” listening skills are about supporting and making sure you understand what the speaker means to communicate. It’s about choosing an attitude that helps you understand as the speaker understands it.
In Dancing with Strangers, I give five strategies to improve your active listening skills. They are:
1) Slow down your listening; breathe; think about listening; be aware and be present.
2) Pay attention to what is being said and the body language presented. Offer statements of observation such as, “You sound angry.” Listen and watch for the tone of voice, body language and facial expressions.
3) Get clarification on what is being said. Ask questions. Try to understand the story — their facts, feelings and perceptions. Say, “Tell me more.”
4) Validate the speaker. Say things like, “It sounds like you are feeling left out.” Or, “It sounds like you don’t really want to go.”
5) Paraphrase. Repeat in your own words what was said to make sure you understand. Try something like, “What I hear you saying is …” or “So, you are saying …” Then check for understanding. Say, “Is that right?”
Are the communication skills you use at work or at home directly applicable in reverse to your home or work settings?
We often communicate differently in the two settings for these reasons:
- We are usually more comfortable in our relationships at home, and therefore may not work as hard at communicating better.
- We have a different communication culture at work and at home. At home it may be less formal, for example. At work, there may be a certain communication culture that you need to adhere to.
But the bottom line is that improving your communication skills will have a direct impact on your relationships at work and at home. Learning how to communicate clearly and how to listen and be understood really will make a huge difference in the quality of all of your relationships.
People seem to avoid confrontation until it builds and builds and then there is what you describe as a “kaboom” event. Why is that?
Most people simply aren’t comfortable with conflict. We avoid or ignore the signs hoping it will go away, until there is a big problem that I refer to in my book as a “kaboom” event. When we don’t deal with issues that need to be dealt with in a timely manner, they pile up. The problem gets bigger and bigger until it blows up and you have a messy conflict on your hands.
The way to avoid kaboom in your relationships is to deal with issues when they first appear. When something isn’t quite right, doesn’t go well, or you see a behavior you don’t want, address the problem sooner rather than later. Say what you need to say in a respectful manner. Say what you are thinking, feeling and wanting to have happen. When you deal with issues early on, you avoid kaboom.
Emergency management’s foundation is the personal relationships between the many partners who have to work together when disaster strikes. What would you recommend for building a strong relationship with others from the outset as it relates to communication?
I can sum it up in one word: respect. No matter who you are talking to, or what position of authority (or not) you are in, always treat whoever you are communicating with respectfully. Take a minute to put yourself in their shoes and treat them how you believe they want to be treated in that situation.
And no matter how stressful the situation is, pay close attention to your communication skills. Be aware of how you are communicating. Don’t take shortcuts, or make the assumption that everyone knows what you mean. Above all, make sure you are understood. Ask questions such as: “Does that make sense?” “Do you understand what we are doing and how?” “Can you walk me through what your process/plan will be?”
Find a way to make sure you are understood. And don’t forget to listen to the feedback.
People vary greatly from one another. How do you take that into account when you are working on your communications with others?
You need to know who you are talking to. We all have different communication styles. It’s important to know your style — do you need to be in charge, or are you more concerned about supporting each other? Do you need to analyze and process, or do you respond quickly? Knowing your own style is a big step toward learning how to adjust to different styles that you work with.
In addition, you need to think about what generational, cultural or gender differences you have and match and pace your communication to match who you are communicating with (not the other way around). I go into a lot more detail on this in my book and workshops. Learning to match and pace your style to those around you can make a huge difference in your effectiveness as a communicator.
We may need to communicate differently with younger professionals from generation X or Y. Why is that?
The values that we share in the generational group we belong to define who we are and how we view the world. That includes our behaviors, preferences and priorities. And, yes, how we communicate with the rest of the world.
The two younger generations (Generation X and Generation Y), include ages from about 20 to 40. They grew up in a vastly different world and environment than the older generations (baby boomers and traditionalists). Older professionals often have trouble communicating well with younger professionals because their perspective and work values are different.
For example, when working with generation X or Y, be prepared to answer “why” a lot. Younger professionals ask, not out of disrespect, but because of a strong desire to understand why you are doing what you are doing. They have inquiring minds. To older professionals that may be very annoying, but to the younger professionals, that’s simply how they engage and learn.
Younger professionals also need regular, positive feedback. When working with younger professionals always make your expectations clear, give regular feedback (something the older generations may not be so good at), and follow-up to make sure they understand.
There’s a lot to learn about all generations! It’s important to embrace the diversity that different generations bring in perspective, thoughts and ideas. We all need to work on valuing our differences and looking for opportunities, rather than obstacles.
Body language can be a significant tell-tale sign in the communications process. What should we watch for in others and in ourselves to promote better communications when it comes to body language?
Body language comprises more than 55 percent of our total communication message. So it certainly serves us well to pay attention to it!
Our body language and of those around us can help get our message across. Pay attention to what visual cues others are putting out and pay attention to your own. Many times we aren’t aware of the subtle cues we are giving. They may be an automatic way we present ourselves without knowing we are doing something that gives off the wrong message.
Not paying attention to what our body language is doing can create a major disconnect and get in the way of communicating effectively.
A few simple ways to improve your body language for better communication is to:
- Keep your body open. Don’t cross your arms, put your hands on your hips or point.
- Keep your arms down and to your side in an open position.
- Keep eye contact as appropriate.
- Watch the tone of your voice.
- Avoid multitasking — don’t look at your watch, check your phone or be distracted from the conversation in any way.
Leaders can set the tone for an organization when it comes to communication. What are your observations on the role of the leader in communication?
You are absolutely right. A good leader will set the tone. He or she must model good communication skills by listening, being clear in what they are communicating and being specific about expectations. When you are communicating as a leader, don’t make assumptions.
Here are a few tips:
- Make your communication clear. Before you speak, think about how you are communicating what you are saying. Don’t assume the other person or group knows what your undisclosed expectations are! Tell them what you are trying to say and what you expect to have happen.
- Deal with issues sooner rather than later.
- Be open and approachable. Make it safe for people to come talk to you so problems get discussed and resolved quickly. Don’t create an environment where people are afraid of what your response might be.
- Be calm and thoughtful. Don’t jump to conclusions. And always, listen first.
