One of my favorite quotes from the article below is, "For one thing, no team deserves the sort of chewing-out an explosive coach might administer after a resounding loss. "What is it with you Dam Failures?!"
Youth soccer teams court disaster with name debates
"Attempts to name my kid's soccer team have turned into, well, a disaster.
For the record: My teenage daughter is new to the team. Accordingly, as a parent, so am I. Any name works for me. I have no opinion. I don't want the other parents to think I'm a pushy dad.
Anyway, it all started when the Earthquakers and the Internationals decided to merge. Team organizers wanted a new name that would end an old rivalry and signal a new era. They considered the Earthnationals and the Interquakers.
If strange names were good names, these would be great names. That's not an opinion, just an observation.
Earthnationals has the ring of a soccer institution backed by a strong military. Opponents would think twice about trying to score a goal.
Interquakers benefits from its religious overtones. Opponents, lulled into a spiritual trance, wouldn't know what hit them. "Gosh," they'd say, "I thought they were our Friends."
For a variety of reasons â" fitting the name on a jersey, for instance â" neither moniker got the nod. Wisely, team organizers decided it was time for a fresh start. They bandied about various names before narrowing them to two: the Cyclones and the Tsunami.
The players would vote.
But someone raised an objection: Do we really want to name our team after natural phenomena linked to disaster?
That's a good question.
Cyclones and tsunamis wouldn't be such a big deal. The trouble starts when people fall in their paths. Nature dishes out death and destruction with astonishing regularity â" fortunately, not on the soccer field, where a 5-0 drubbing is about as bad as it gets. Even so, any team calling itself the Volcanoes would have reason to feel sheepish playing Pompei.
As I say, I have no opinion. Still, shying away from destructive forces as a source of appellations could complicate youth sports. It would be a lot harder to find a name for a team without old standbys like Cyclones, Tsunamis and Volcanoes. FEMA â" the government agency sometimes viewed as a disaster itself â" offers even more choices, including Hurricanes, Landslides, Tornadoes and Wildfires. These fall under the Acts of God category, which is not a bad name either.
FEMA doesn't stop at natural disasters. On its list of potential team names it also includes the Dam Failures.
Although I have no opinion, I would exercise caution before choosing this name. For one thing, no team deserves the sort of chewing-out an explosive coach might administer after a resounding loss. "What is it with you Dam Failures?!"
The folks at FEMA offer alternatives related to man-made disasters as well. It's not hard to imagine a bitter rivalry forming between teams named the Hazardous Materials and the Chemical Emergencies. If the Chem-Es won, I suppose the Haz-Mats would have to clean up.
FEMA also lists another strong contender: the Nuclear Power Plant Emergencies. If I had an opinion, I could go for a team nicknamed the Nukes. I don't plan to bring this up with the other parents. I don't think it would win me any friends.
FEMA aside â" and the FEMAs has possibilities, too â" I've noticed that some teams have carefully distanced themselves from bona fide disaster names. I'm talking about names like the Waves and the Heat.
Come now. We know what waves can do, and extreme heat knocks off people with shocking regularity. These names seem intellectually dishonest.
Rather than shying away from disaster names, teams might consider delving more deeply into them.
Take the Volcanoes, for instance. Yes, many places of the world live in the shadow of volcanoes and the threat of pyroclastic flows. Pyroclastic Flows, by the way, may be a name worth considering. But more to the point: Not all volcanoes are created equal. You've got your Icelandic volcanoes, your Hawaiian volcanoes and your Strombolian volcanoes near Sicily, to name just a few.
I can't imagine anyone objecting to a team being called the Strombolian Volcanoes. The name exudes gravitas and a respect for nature. Better yet, it could shortened to the Strombolis.
Not only would Strombolis fit on a jersey, there's a pretty good chance you could get an Italian restaurant to sponsor the team.
That's just my opinion, which I hereby withdraw."
STEVE SYMANOVICH is editor of the San Francisco Business Times.
